Memo to the Minister

Dear Prime Minister,

Congratulations on the victory.  It must be a terrific feeling since no one expected it. I enjoyed the noble triumphant speeches, but now we should turn back to genuine politics.

Your victory means Boris and Theresa must wait a few more years. (I’ve always thought we should have a boxing match to decide the next leader.)  Anyway, the only enemies worth pondering are those in your own party who want the British people to vote to leave the EU in the referendum. If they start to go against the grain and vote against the government, life will be tough, especially since you can no longer blame the Lib Dems for your inaction on Europe. You’ll need to give out awkward jobs in government to keep them quiet – and very busy. If that fails you’ll have to send sack loads of money to the DUP in Ireland to buy their votes.  George is no doubt stashing some cash away just in case you need to build a few more motorways or hospitals in DUP constituencies.

Of course, like the City and the important businesses, you’re keen for us to stay in Europe.  After all you represent the pro-business party.  We need to start some behind the scenes effort to establish a couple of easily attainable negotiating aims with the Germans (no one else matters much, and thank goodness the VE celebrations are over).  Next you talk tough to the cameras and– hey presto! –a settlement is obtained. Hopefully that’ll persuade any anti-EU voters and newspapers that a huge victory has been won. That should make the referendum go the way you want.

The SNP hate you.  There’s no point in attempting to make them hate you less. Then again you shouldn’t wind them up. I wouldn’t advise a victory tour of Edinburgh.  The important point is that if you spend too much time talking about English votes on English laws, you will cement the split between England and Scotland, which is what the SNP want.  So be quiet, lay low on the matter, let sleeping dogs lie.

On a more positive note you no longer have to fret about your MPs defecting to UKIP. Everyone has seen it’s not a good career move. And besides, if the British people vote against staying in Europe, UKIP becomes irrelevant since their goal has been achieved. If the Brits vote to stay in Europe then UKIP have lost the argument. True, if the vote is close they may be a problem for Theresa or Boris next time round as UKIP try to do an SNP and fester on, but thanks to our first past the post system UKIP have probably reached their peak. Of course you must dismiss UKIP’s pleas for proportional representation. That’s for losers. FPTP guarantees a stable government- that’s what you tell the press. But really, what’s the point of holding command if you don’t pull up the ladder after you?

I heard old Douggie Carswell say in a talk early this year “if you vote Lib Dem you’ve got a problem.” It received a good chortle from the flock of malleable Wykehamists listening, but it wasn’t in good taste. He’s right of course, but manners makyth man and all that. From you, placid compassion towards the Lib Dems would be a respectable approach. Those voters in the centre you attracted this year might go back to them if you start being too unkind about their beliefs. Be nice to Nick.

And then there’s Labour. Ed Balls will probably resurface in the party as the shadow chancellor’s dog walker, or maybe as his wife’s secretary if he’s lucky. Don’t mock him. Toss money into the NHS. And then toss in some more. Just keep tossing. Have you considered experimenting with Boris in charge of the NHS? Don’t. After he’s finished being the Mayor of London, it’ll be safer to let him simply become PM.

Good job on avoiding those TV debates by the way- it paid off in the end, top foresight there!


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